


The Burden of Atonement

by mansikka



Series: Filling In The Gaps [27]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Tag, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-07-31
Packaged: 2019-06-17 15:27:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15464433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mansikka/pseuds/mansikka
Summary: Filler-y stuff for The Day of Atonement





	The Burden of Atonement

**Author's Note:**

> So. I was debating to do a second chapter of this from Magnus' perspective at the Downworld Cabinet meeting, but by the time I got to the end of all the codas I'd written for 2x16-2x18 I had no strength left for anything :D

Alec is exhausted. And that the only thought he'd had in his head once they'd sent Valentine to Idris was getting Magnus home to let him talk through his memories some more is taunting him even now, because he couldn't even give him that. They'd managed just a few minutes alone in his office to share a few words, a goodbye kiss, and a hug, but then Magnus was walking away from him already reaching into his pocket for his phone, with his own burdens to face. Alec picks up his phone, fires off another message to let Magnus know he is thinking about him, then drops it on his desk and stares out over his office, wondering if he'll be the shortest serving Head of Institute in history.

How Valentine still managed to escape them after everything is infuriating Alec for trying to figure it out. They planned every step of his transfer so perfectly, rehearsed it, discussed it so many times yesterday to get it right, and it still went to hell. That he, or Jonathan, or  _whoever_  managed to manipulate  _Duncan_  of all people doesn't sit right with Alec at all. He doesn't want to now be eyeing everyone in the Institute in suspicion, but if it happened to Duncan, who else here in these walls would turn?

That the Downworlders have seen Valentine's latest evasion of the Clave as a reason to move their Downworld Cabinet meetings to within the Seelie Court bodes nothing good either, and Alec can only imagine the accusations that are flying around. He hopes Magnus doesn't get too many pointed remarks about  _him_  while he's there, because he's already got enough to think about without having to defend the actions of his  _Shadowhunter boyfriend_.

There is a moment, when all Alec wants to do is go to the Seelie Court and grab Magnus, demand that he portal the two of them away from here and every problem they have. And it's such an alien feeling for Alec, that urge to put his own wants and needs first when there is something so important for him to deal with, that the resulting guilt for it beats against his skull until he's pressing his finger and thumb deep into his temples, and berating himself for even wanting to be selfish.

With nothing further to do in his office that is going to help, Alec shoves his chair back and makes his way to the ops center, going over everything they have on file and finding nothing that is going to help. And the thought of whoever this Clave envoy is sweeping in and finding the answer to how Valentine escaped without even trying goads Alec further. That it's his  _dad_  somehow makes things even worse. And that there are  _favors_  he seems to have pulled to allow him to stay in charge at the Institute while they search for Valentine only makes Alec more suspicious.

Anger at his father wells up. He's avoided speaking with him since he found out about Robert's affair, but seeing him standing here before him carrying out Clave orders suddenly infuriates Alec.

"I appreciate the help. But don't think this makes up for what you did to Mom," he blurts out, immediately regretting it.

Robert is already nodding as though he's been expecting his anger. He looks away, and Alec has to wonder if he's rehearsed what he wants to say in reply. He watches him sit, on the couch he has watched him from for years—working at this very desk that is now  _his_ —and feels like he doesn't know his father at all. Or maybe that he doesn't want to.

Robert's voice is the one that goads Alec even when he's not around, the one that reminds him when he isn't doing enough. He is the criticism that makes Alec feel as though he is failing over and over, and the remembered words that always remind him his life is one of duty only. That he doesn't get to have anything that is just for  _him_. Alec hates that fiercely in that moment, that Robert has instilled this sense of responsibility on him that's meant he hasn't known anything of this world aside from what he's learned within the Clave. The hypocrisy of Robert taking something for  _himself_  while preaching about sticking to the path is a bitter pill for Alec to swallow. Staring at the man in front of him now, Alec isn't sure he can.

"Alec. Your mother and I have always had a complicated relationship—"

"It's not complicated," Alec denies immediately, not having the patience for hearing excuses, "you cheated on her."

Robert at least has the decency took look contrite for it, but it doesn't do much to dampen Alec's anger. There have been so few occasions in his life when he's seen his mother crying or even close to tears, that knowing this father is one of the reasons for so many of those tears of late just continually fuels his fury.

"There's a reason she returned to Idris as soon as you got here," Alec adds, looking away.

"I made a mistake," Robert says. Alec can't bring himself to look up. "I never meant to hurt you… but I fell in love."

It's not what Alec wants to hear. He grits his teeth as he glares at his father, both wanting him to keep talking and not wanting to hear another word.

"Oh, you of all people should know what that's like—"

"Magnus isn't an affair," Alec barks back, incensed that he would even dare go there.

Robert looks down, and Alec doesn't want to hear any more excuses.

"I shouldn't have said anything. We can argue all about family drama once we find Valentine. But until then, I have an Institute to run."

"Alec—"

"You can go," Alec adds, hoping his father recognizes his dismissal. Hopes he  _feels_  dismissed, as he has felt by  _him_  so many times.

Robert looks away again, and Alec thinks he wants to say something else, but then there is a rap of knuckles on his office door, and Alec turns his attention to other things.

* * *

Alec begins to send another message to Magnus trying not to be concerned that he hasn't answered his earlier one. He thinks of the Seelie Queen and all she is capable of, has an idle thought of needing to  _rescue_  Magnus, then reminds himself that Magnus is there with Luke, as well as the rest of the Downworlder cabinet. He doesn't trust  _her_  at all, but he puts his faith in the others, and in the middle of everything that's happening he's struck by how much he's missing Magnus. Never in his life before Magnus came into it has Alec truly felt like that before.

Pausing from writing, Alec scrolls through earlier messages between them, smiling at their words and the images they've shared. There is a favorite one that he stops at of the two of them smiling for a selfie up close to the camera, taken he thinks, here in New York on an impromptu walk.

Alec goes back to his message with his heart heavy, knowing that if Magnus were here now, this situation with Valentine might not feel any better, but  _he_  would feel better for having someone to share it with. It's another thing he's never had before, having someone he can so easily confide in about anything. Magnus' unwavering support has centered him, which wasn't something he'd ever really expected from a relationship. But then, Alec thinks, going back to his message again with a smile and beginning to type, he hadn't known what to expect at all.

 _Hey_ , he writes,  _just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. No news here yet… I hope you're doing okay. I miss you. Come back soon, okay? I love you_

* * *

Alec seeks Izzy out the moment he can, needing to get the conversation he's just had with their dad off his chest. Her news about Max and these private fire messages he's apparently read aren't of much interest to him, because all he can feel is fury at his dad.

But Izzy's words get to him, her certainty that there is more going on than they have been told. He opens his mouth to suggest they confront him together so he can't avoid their questions, but then there is a shoot of discomfort up his arm, and his parabatai rune is pulsing, and all Alec can think of then is Jace.

The shards of glass scattered over the floor that they find when they go searching for him tell Alec nothing good, a sense of foreboding beginning to stir in his gut. The realization that they are portal shards, that Clary must have opened it, and that his position as Head of the Institute means he can't go after Jace himself add extra weight to that foreboding. Knowing Izzy will go in his place is some comfort, yet Alec still can't shift this feeling that everything is about to go horribly wrong.

That Magnus hasn't answered his last couple of messages isn't doing anything but adding to that feeling.

* * *

The feeling doesn't leave him. Alec continues his work on auto-pilot for much of the day. When Robert finds him in his office hours later with the news that Jace, Izzy, and Clary are okay he wants to feel more relieved than does. Alec thinks it's the residual anger at his father tainting everything, so when Robert hovers, he tries to find a way to fix things, at least temporarily, for his own peace of mind.

"Dad," he calls when it looks as though Robert might be about to turn away, "thank you. Izzy would never have made it to Idris without your help."

"Alec, you and Isabelle, and Max and Jace, are the most important people in the world to me," Robert says immediately.

Alec doesn't know what to make of that, tries to tell himself he's reassured for it, even if that isn't what he feels.

"I know I've lost your trust," Robert continues. "I hope I can earn it back."

Another flare of anger licks at Alec sending him walking towards his father. "Then why are you still lying to us? You told Max to keep a secret about some fire messages."

Robert rolls his eyes and looks away, which doesn't help Alec's mood at all. "Yes, but—"

"And whatever it is," Alec adds before he has to hear more excuses, "just keep Max out of it."

Alec wants him gone then, the thought of his little brother having seen private messages between his dad and his  _mistress_  leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Or that there is some announcement about to come from the Clave that will bring no good news at all, that his dad is keeping from them, makes him want to lash out with even sharper words.

"I sent those fire messages to Imogen, to make sure that you would remain the Head of the Institute," Robert replies, stepping closer to Alec.

Alec doesn't buy it, and also doesn't like the implication. "So you're protecting me because I'm a Lightwood."

"No," Robert says, "it's because I've always admired your courage and your honesty. It's the stuff that great leaders are made from."

Alec doesn't know what to make of that either. "Why should I believe you? What did you send to Imogen?"

Robert sighs, and to Alec it sounds like it's in defeat. He looks away from Alec, and around the office imagining who knows what, before he can bring himself to look at Alec again. And it isn't until he steps a couple more paces towards him that he answers.

"The Clave is keeping a massive secret of their own. And I threatened to reveal it. I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to have to carry the burden of lying to people that you love," Robert adds, and now Alec is even more on edge. "I know how hard it can be—"

"Dad. Just tell me," Alec demands, staring him down.

"But you cannot repeat this secret to anyone, not even Magnus," Robert continues. "Promise me, Alec."

"I can't promise that," Alec retorts, because there isn't anything he intends to keep from Magnus, and he doesn't like the suggestion that he even should. "Either you trust me to be a leader, or you don't."

Once again Robert is darting his eyes over Alec's face and turning to look around the office. And once more he's letting out an exasperated sigh that puts knots in Alec's stomach. When he turns back to him Alec knows he's ready to finally talk, and Alec has a second of not wanting to hear it.

"The Clave lied about the Soul Sword," Robert says, "they never recovered it from Valentine's attack on the Institute. They don't have it. They never did."

Alec lets the words sink in, that sense of foreboding weighing down on him even deeper. "Then who does?"

* * *

This isn't happening.

Alec stares down at his own hands slumped in a chair in front of the fire in his office, telling himself his father's news isn't real at all. How can the Clave have lied like this? How can they have been so thoroughly unthinking, knowing what is at stake if Valentine gets hold of all three of the Mortal Instruments? Are the lives of Downworlders so meaningless to them that it's barely an afterthought to tell them? To warn them? Or are they covering their backs, knowing what an uproar this will cause when it gets out?

Alec doesn't know what to think. He lifts his head, watching the flames dance in the fire, and feels utterly helpless, with no idea what to do for the best. Where do they even start looking? Is the coincidence that the Sword went missing on the night of Valentine's capture something that pins its disappearance on another accomplice here at the Institute? If that's the case, then who can it be? Who could possibly walk by him in the hallways of the Institute on a daily basis keeping this knowledge to themselves, planning who knows what?

No one is missing from the Institute, Alec thinks to himself in an attempt at reassurance. He checked the logs of everyone that works here and can account for every single member of personnel. Which maybe is even worse, because it means they could be within these very walls right now, and plotting. Conspiring with Valentine wherever he's got to.

He has to share this with Magnus, Alec thinks, taking his phone from his pocket but unable to write a single word. He can't keep this from him; this is  _lives_  potentially at risk. But what if he does tell him, and word gets out to the Downworlders, and their rightful fear puts more lives at risk?

He has a duty to the Institute, the Clave first, Alec reminds himself, scowling for the voice whispering the words to him being those of his father. And though it's true, those duties are his priorities, he also has priorities to those they're supposed to protect. Keeping this news from them, who is it really protecting? The Downworlders, or the Clave themselves?

Alec pictures Downworlders across the world descending on their Institutes demanding action, and protection. Of rioting in the streets that even the Mundanes can't ignore. It could be chaos, he thinks, slumping a little further. Fear makes people dangerous,  _this_  could be dangerous, and make things even worse than they already are.

What if he told Magnus and swore him to secrecy? Alec thinks, wondering if that is helping anyone but himself. That he has Magnus to confide in is addictive, in a way, letting Alec open up and be honest in ways he never has before. He's never willingly let himself be vulnerable with anyone else, but with Magnus it's like the walls just crumble down around them every time he thinks to build them back up, or a difficult day raises them anyway.

If Magnus knows about the Soul Sword being missing, it's going to add further worry to him when he is already dealing with so much, Alec realizes, thinking of Magnus still getting over that ordeal with Valentine. And if Magnus knows the Sword is missing and doesn't share it with anyone, is that any fairer on him? Letting him in on the knowledge yet demanding he keep it to himself, to bear the burden of lying to his people like Alec will need to do himself?

That's not true, Alec chides himself immediately. He'll get to share this with Izzy, and Jace, and probably Clary too. And though it will go no further than them, it's still a burden lessened for sharing it with  _someone_. Can he expect Magnus to bear the burden of it all by himself?

There are no answers dancing in the flames of his fire. And there are no answers lurking in his mind. Alec continues to stare at the hearth without seeing any of it, wishing for a way through this mess.

* * *

Once again Alec seeks his sister out looking for solidarity with this awful secret that is now his. They watch their father in the ops center, and Alec hasn't got a clue what to do. But Izzy's question about if he'll tell Magnus or not is the thing that starts to churn over repeatedly in his thoughts, until Alec can think of little else. He has to tell Magnus, there isn't a doubt in his head about it. Except of course for the voice of his father reminding him of his duty, of always sticking to the path.

He is Head of the Institute, Alec tells himself sternly, trying to keep his mind on track. It's his duty to protect, and he can better protect the Downworlders if he doesn't stir up mass panic. By revealing that the very thing that may lead to their extinction is potentially in the hands of the person wanting all Downworlders dead, Alec risks an uprising that endangers the lives of Downworlders and Shadowhunters alike. He can't do that, he has his own people to protect. And he can't let his personal thoughts and wishes interfere with that, even if sharing this secret with Magnus might lead to a different way to put this thing right. 

His father's words about wanting to protect him from having to lie to the people he loves comes back to him, and it brings Alec comfort, as well as feels like an excuse. If he tells Magnus about the Soul Sword being missing, Alec knows he would rage and roar at the incompetence of the Clave, and their dangerous secret-keeping. But he doesn't know how Magnus will react beyond that. Would he make an announcement to the Downworld Cabinet? Would he keep it to himself in the hope of finding a way to find the Sword before the news reaches the Downworlders? There is no way for Alec to know what to expect.

Alec talks himself in and out of telling Magnus several times in between working, or sharing the news with the Downworld Cabinet as a whole. No option seems like a good one. And by the time the evening comes and he's still not made a decision, Alec is half-glad to receive Magnus' message saying he won't make it back until tomorrow. Then immediately guilty for it and doubting himself all over again.

 _I miss you too. I'm sorry this is taking so long. How about I make it up to you with dinner at the Cape tomorrow night?_  Magnus' message reads. The guilt hits Alec one more, for even considering not telling him, and he's about to type out a message to do just. But as though he can sense the decision he's now made, his dad sends a message, reminding Alec of the chaos that will descend if the Downworld finds out about the Sword.

Maybe all the Downworld should be told, Alec thinks, sinking back in his chair. Maybe if they all know at once and there  _is_  an uproar, it'll make the Clave think twice about keeping such a secret in the future. Or maybe the Downworlders will form their own Alliance to seek out the sword themselves, which the Clave wouldn't approve of at all. Maybe there will be fighting, or protests, or demands that the Shadowhunters do their jobs better than they have been doing. Alec doesn't know what to think, and holds his head in his hands, pleading for answers that he can't find.

 _That sounds great_ , is all he manages to write back to Magnus, the weight of the lie he's carrying pressing heavy on his neck.

 _I wish I were falling asleep in bed with you tonight instead of under the dubious hospitalities of the Seelie Court_ , Magnus' message continues, and if that doesn't make Alec ache.

 _Yeah, I don't think I'll be doing much sleeping here tonight anyway_.

_Alexander. You have to rest. You can't work through a second night with barely any sleep._

_I'll try in a couple of hours_ , Alec says, Magnus' concern for him leaving him feeling even worse.

_Good. We are about to reconvene this meeting; I'll speak to you later. Is there anything else I should know about?_

It's the very thing Alec doesn't want to read, the opportunity inviting Alec to be honest with him. He closes his eyes as though that might make the message disappear, but it's still there waiting for him when he opens them again.

 _No_ , he types, hoping he's doing the right thing,  _nothing else. Get some rest. I'll see you soon._

He can't even bring himself to tell Magnus he loves him, not for the secret he's keeping to himself.


End file.
